glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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