my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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