You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
