i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
