Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
