This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
