Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
