My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
