I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
