Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
