I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
