Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
