I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Congratulations! We have a period
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize