I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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