how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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