you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
