It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
