I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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