So drunk its hurt
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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