Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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