She said her name was "party"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
