Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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