wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
