Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
