I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
