On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
where are my eyebrows?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
