Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
