dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
