Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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