did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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