You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
