I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
