the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There's always time for handjobs
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
