if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
