i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Found your dick twin last night
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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