how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
