Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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