All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
