Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
