omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
