If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
