Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
