My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
