and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
