How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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