it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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