I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
