Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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