Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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