I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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