I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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