isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
