you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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