Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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