Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
