Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
