I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Randomize
