Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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