You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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