while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize