when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
